Thursday, 17 September 2009

Morbidity and Mortality

I got sent this page in the morning, and I feel the need to share it all with you:
The ten most frequent causes of death in the USA, as believed by the British

1) Shot by Donald Rumsfeld.
2) Abducted by the saucermen, never to be seen again.
3) Cerebral haemorrhage caused by shock at the discovery there are places beyond US borders.
4) Terminated on the orders of Barack Obama’s social health ‘death committees.’
5) Scalped by injuns attacking the iron horse which runs across their territory.
6) Hunted to death by inbred, snaggle-toothed backwoodsmen.
7) Telling your buddies that you’re getting short on your tour, and showing them a picture of your best gal back home.
8) Beheaded with a machete shortly after having sex.
9) Being proven wrong in your belief that the second amendment covers artillery and chemical weapons.
10) Getting wasted in a drive-by after winning an award which should have gone to Beyonce, goddammit.
I couldn't resist making my own list, with the help of some people from the states.

The ten most frequent causes of death in Alaska, as believed by the Lower 48
  1. Igloo collapse. 
  2. Death by Polar Bear.
  3. In an embarrassing fashion after uttering the words, "Hey y'all, watch this."
  4. Bitten by a Moose.
  5. Starvation due to delays in the dogsled full of flour and tobacco.
  6. Polluted to death by a leaky pipeline.
  7. Boredom induced frostbite.
  8. Horrible dog sled crash.
  9. Drowning in the Bering Sea.
  10. Shot and field dressed by Sarah Palin.

2 comments:

Allmycke said...

I much prefer your list!

Arvay said...

A Scottish friend of mine and I were recently exchanging camping stories, and she contrasted her (evidently mild) experiences with mine in the "wilds of America." I was like, "wilds of America"?