Saturday, 16 August 2008

Now with extra rustic sauce!

As I said, I'm busy looking for a new place to live. It's really hit or miss here, because there seems to be no middle ground between utter looser buildings, and cabins that are a gift from the gods. To cover for their miserable, decrepit properties, lots of owners will wrap their dry cabin ads, or verbal descriptions, in verbage to make it sound less of a hole in the ground than it really is.

  1. Nearly half of people lie about the dimensions of the place outright. If you see N x 20, become skeptical, because that's a popular dimension to estimate. And it's not just me eyeballing these places; my tape measure wouldn't lie. Most aegergious was a place about 12x14 being sold as 20x22. Off there by a little under half there, cheif.
  2. When you see the word cosey, don't walk, run. That's a code work for `you will not have enough space to breath, nevermind live.` They'll spruce it up by saying it's a great place for one person, some times. That's because you can't fit a second person in there with origami.
  3. It's bright! It's sunny! It has lots of windows! So... consequently, it leaks heat like a sieve! They may try to assure you that it's `energy efficient` none the less. This is stupid. Glass insulates about as well as a pile of frying pans - e.g., not really. Don't bother asking how much fuel it went through on these places, because they'll lie outright. Ma'am, if it really used 200 gallons of fuel all last year, why does it have a 500 gal tank? If it's that well built, 500 gallons would be enough to make the place a firey inferno.
  4. Rustic! Rustic cabin with extra rustic sauce! Great for students! Translation: Hoooooooly crap this place is run down. Expect holes in wall, ancient and degraded flooring, broken windows, rotten bords, and more drafts than a government highway plan. They may say it's an adventure, which in horrible-lot-owner lingo means you'll get to know your dog well, because you'll be sleeping with her every night for heat.
  5. This cabin is unique! Which is another way of saying I was /really/ drunk when I planned it. Expect things to be awkward and poorly thought out. Like kitchens in bedrooms, stairs in the closets, and sudden changes in floor-ceiling height. Nonstandard buildings like these aren't just a pain to live in, but they also conceal other building defects.
Feel free to add your own. I'm going to grab my camera, soon, and do `sure fire signs the owner doesn't know what they're doing.` Well, hopefuly soon.

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